She’s Baaaack

Aloha,
Some of you may have noticed, it’s been awhile since I’ve written.  I actually really enjoy writing these morning emails to you.  That’s not why I found myself not doing it.  What I struggled with was feeling I needed to put myself in a certain mindset each morning as I wrote.  That I needed to remember the dark days and how those felt to best connect with the process of grief for bereaved parents.  It wore me out.  It chafed against who I am today and where I spent so many years of hard work to be each day.

I want to come back to writing, but recognize it needs to be on different terms. It has to be from the reality in which I now stand with an empathetic heart towards where I’ve been. Over the past thirteen years I’ve worked REALLY hard to get to where I am today.   Not every day is awesome, once in a great while I still get knocked to my knees, but most days are pretty damn good and I don’t carry around a heavy weight of grief.

It is kind of scary to even write that. So I’ll write it again.  Most days are pretty damn good and I don’t carry around a heavy weight of grief. Why is it scary to write that?  Because I’m afraid.  Afraid that parents will feel judged that they do still carry that heavy weight and that I will be judged or my love for my daughter will be questioned because I don’t.

Let me be very clear, I firmly believe each and every parent is on their own path with grief and each path has its own timeline, trials, lessons etc.  Losing a child is horrific, it changes you permanently and its grief is heavy.  For anyone who does carry that heavy weight, I remember that feeling, you are not alone and my heart goes out to you.

What I can offer is that even with the permanent changes that heavy grief and horrific loss bring, there IS light.  Life can be good and full.  It takes work, a shit ton of work.  But it is possible. I own the fact that there can be life after loss and it can be a good life.

And I will always be in “The Club” none of us wanted part of.  So I commit to writing again regularly.  But I can’t promise it will connect with losing Alison each and every day.  And that’s okay.  Because while we are all part of “The Club”, none of is one dimensional. Our loss isn’t the whole scope of who we are. I also can’t promise I’ll meet you right where you’re at at the moment. What I can and will promise is to be open and honest about where I’m at…as a long standing member of this club. I do hope you will join the ride with me (and share with anyone else who may also want to join) AND if it doesn’t resonate with you, that’s totally fine. Please feel free to unsubscribe.  It won’t hurt my feelings, I get that different people want and need different things 🙂

So much love and aloha to each of you,
Heidi
PS  One of my favorite things is the interactive back and forth, very often the question you ask is one at least five others are thinking. So…  I absolutely LOVE when I get questions to answer on future posts so please, please send questions for me to feature with the rest of this tribe.

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