The other day I was jamming to Katy Perry and the song “By the Grace of God” came on. Here are the lyrics that so resonated:
By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out
That way
I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning
There is no more morning oh I
Can finally see myself again
I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah the truth will set you free
By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other and I
Looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out
First things first, I’m not religious and when I hear “God” I envision the Universe, my own inner knowing, some force bigger than me. So please don’t be dissuaded by the word “God”. Allow it to represent your belief system.
This song wasn’t written until years after I lost Alison, nor was it written about child loss. But when I listened to it the other day it struck a chord, not of my life now, but of my life back then. It sounded like an anthem of the first few years after I lost Alison (and really life as I knew it). The odd thing is, it’s only in hindsight and many years of distance that I can see just how strong I was to pick myself back up. That there were moments I felt like I was curled up on the bathroom floor. I do know exactly who that sister was who kept my head above water (and I texted her immediately to say thank you).
What struck me was not the pain, the agony, the feeling of utter despair but the strength. The tenacity, the ability to put one foot in front of the other. The ability to let that sister in to hold my head above water. It showed me I am a warrior.
You are too. You’ve lost a child and are still living your life, putting one foot in front of the other, choosing to show up each day. That is strength. Take a moment to acknowledge the hell and how you’re still showing up.
Yes, over the years what this looks like changes. At the beginning maybe even just getting out of bed and putting on clothes is your victory for the day. Then months down the road reaching out to a friend and sharing your feelings is the victory. And then you find yourself years later living a life that has joy, purpose, and connection. That is you being a warrior. That is you….you Looked in the mirror and decided to stay. Wasn’t gonna let love take me (you) out.