It’s Worth the Work


  • While I would love for my dear sweet daughter Alison to still be with me on earth, I am happier now than I have ever been.
  • I have tools to easily handle the trials of every day life, and frankly those trials don’t ruffle me much.
  • I don’t sweat the small stuff.
  • I’ve known the depths of despair and faced them head on.  This gave me the courage to make the leap to better things.
  • I am uncompromising in my drive to continue to grow and have the best possible life.
  • I know what it feels like to fall into what feels like a bottomless pit and yet, hit the bottom and find a way out back to the sunlight.
  • Guilt.  I know how to work through it.  If I can get over the guilt that inevitably comes with losing a child, no one else’s guilt trip holds much power.
  • My level of compassion for other peoples’ pain and situations is so much more present and automatic.  When I learned compassion for myself, I could easily extend it to others.
  • I see possibility and hope in all situations and people.  If I could turn the ashes of my whole life into joy and purpose, so can others.
  • Discernment and boundaries.  I learned to discern who my solid friends are and have no problem in being selective who allow into my inner circle.
  • Openness to all sorts of modalities of healing.  Some I never would have dreamed of work amazingly well.  And others, not for me.  And some resonate at some times and not others. That’s the beauty of a continued journey to wholeness.
  • Narrow mindedness flew out the window.  When your world is turned upside down, ruling things and people out because they don’t fit your worldview is such a waste of time and energy.
  • Seeing the universe show up time and time again.  I still vividly remember when I threw ALL my food out because I decided I’d just starve myself.  The universe showed up in the form of invitation to my favorite Chinese restaurant a couple hours later. An expensive lesson (restocking the fridge and pantry) but a worthwhile one.  I knew I could go to depths of hopelessness and still grasp for hope and pull out of it. That’s some serious proof that I have my own back and so does the universe when I listen.
  •  Sometimes I get tired of myself, but I know myself and pretty damn well.  I call bullshit on myself and am also unafraid to tell myself, “Well done lady!”.
  • I have healthy boundaries.  I didn’t do all this work to have someone else come in and trample on the garden I’ve grown.
  • Knowing I’ve stared dark down and wrestled with it, I also give myself permission to be happy.  To feel the results of the hard work.
  • I’m at peace with Alison’s path.  I can see her path, was/is her path not mine. She is her own being and I’m so lucky I got to be part of her journey!
  • That last point translates into other people in my life.  I know they have their own journey, their actions, trials, etc are not mine.  I can support and love and hold space, but they are not my burdens to take on.
  • I live in equal parts not giving a shit and empathy for others.  It’s a good place to be.
  • I’ve figured out I can acknowledge the mistakes I’ve made and make and I’m still worthy of love and a good life simply because I’m human and still here.
  • A forever “Get out of jail free” card and peace with using it if life gets overwhelming, because I own the fact I went through hell. Funny thing is, when I know I hold the card and the power to use it,  I don’t feel the need to use it.
  • I carry a legacy – not only my own, but also one for Alison.
  • I live in paradise, am in the best shape of my life, doing what I love.

What’s this list about? Someone asked me the other day what good has come from all the healing work I’ve done.  The funny thing about it is, the bottom bullet is what everyone sees.  It’s the external manifestation of the work.  But without the internal shifts of all the other bullet points I know for a fact I wouldn’t allow myself to live that final bullet.

I’m not going to beat around the bush, it was and sometimes still is, incredibly difficult and even lonely work. There were moments I felt like I’d never get out of the forest and see sunlight.  But the pay off is SOOO worth it!

Are you feeling stuck in the forest?  Contemplating making a permanent home there because you’re out of energy or you just can’t seem to find a way out?  I hear you, there were definitely times I felt that way.  And there are still moments I want to set up a cot and just camp in the forest awhile instead of continuing the journey to the next breakthrough, the next amazing thing life has to offer. But then I look at this list and know I want to get there AND it IS possible!!  If I can do it, so can you.  I’m not gonna lie…It takes commitment to yourself, it takes using tools and resources that resonate with you, it takes being vulnerable enough to allow someone in to be your guide and your cheerleader which is especially important when you feel completely lost in the midst of a bunch of towering trees that all look the same and there is no clear path.  It takes time…but time is passing anyway so why not do something with it right?

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