Leaning into the Tension

Today I’m choosing to lean into the tension and anxiety of desiring a particular outcome in a situation I’d so love to control and dictate.  It’s the same struggle and a different day.  I’ve found over and over again that I think if I have things go my way, just this one last time, I’ll be able to let go of my vice grip of needing to know the exact formula I’m supposed to concoct to make it work in my favor.  

I spend time contemplating whether the best course of action is to “set it and forget it” – i.e. tell the universe what I want, and then trust the universe and my inner knowing to make it so with no more active participation on my part until a course of action is presented to me.  Or… am I supposed to keep a positive vibe around it, anticipating, creating the feeling I’ll have once I have it, and visualizing the desired outcome?  Then there’s action-oriented part of me that figures you can’t just say you want something without pointing your feet in that direction and taking steps towards it.  If I just knew which track to take I’d feel in control and release this tension.

They all seem like good ideas and my monkey brain could make a wickedly good case both for and against any and all of the above and the many more variations I come up with.  This pattern is my own special brand of avoiding my feeling in the present and remaining disconnected. I can escape the tension I feel in my body and heart by going to my head. In my head I’m magically superwoman. If I could just be perfect, if I could just find the right formula, I’d manifest the outcome I want. In working and dissecting in my head I’m not feeling.

And the fact of the matter is…I’m not superwoman. I’m not perfect, nor will I ever have just the right formula. I’m a human doing her best at living an imperfect life.

The lesson isn’t in the obtaining the desired outcome. It is in what I do and how I feel in this present moment.  Can I embrace this uncomfortableness? Can I somehow find gratitude, joy, and trust in the process and more importantly myself?  It’s time to avoid the avoiding and not only accept, but embrace this present moment.

This tension and restlessness is part of life, of allowing the unfolding, of surrendering to my highest purpose, of letting go of control. It’s letting the waves direct my way instead of fighting against the elements to get where I want to go.

Just for today, I’ve put my boat in the ocean, pointing it towards my destination and now with my eye set towards it, I’m going to thoroughly enjoy the ride – tension and all.

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